Here is the continuation of my previous post.....
6. Be specific. Using specific examples can help a person become aware she has a problem. If it is a significant problem, you will in all likelihood be able to come up with many examples that can illustrate both that the person does have the problem and that it negatively affects her life and relationships. When you use specific examples, approach the person anticipating that at first she is likely to be open to what you have to show her. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Often a goodhearted person will be suprised at seeing evidence of a problem. Sometimes she will even be remorseful, feeling bad about the effects of her actions. These types of responses are good indicators that the person is taking the specifics to heart and will do something to resolve the issue. Even if the person proves to be more resistant, however, dont avoid giving specifics. Specifics can break through the defenses. But if he is invested in not realizing or admitting his problem, you will need to not only use specifics, but also address the underlying resistance.
7. Make the person aware of the effects. Part of helping someone know what he is doing is making him aware of the effects of his behavior. This approach helps change your confrontation from an abstraction to something more personal and real; the problem does not exsist in a vacuum. Often, when a person finds out he is hurting himeself and others, it touches him at a heart level. You are showing him what he is doing in the context of his life and relationships. This might include your concerns about both the present effects and also what could happen in the future if things do not change. There are three areas of effects you can bring up: the effect on him, the effect on you and the effect on others.
8. Request change. When helping a person become aware, make sure you make a request for change. Since she has not realized until now that her behavior or attitude is a problem, she may also not know what to do about it or even if she should do anything. Requesting change helps clarify what is expected and gives her a structure for reestablishing any connection between you and her. A request for change is specific. It also preserves freedom. In other words, it is not a demand; you are aware that the person has a choice. Also, a request should originate from your heart; it needs to be based on your care for and about the other person.
Finally in closing, if the person is aware but sees no need to change this can be discouraging, however you can do some things to help. Make sure you are unambiguous about your concern. You do not want him to be confused or uninformed. Address her lack of concern as a problem in and of itself. Bring up how her lack of interest in changing makes you feel and how it affects the relationship. If she persists in doing nothing, establish limits and boundaries to protect yourself and your family from her problem and to make her responsible for the problem. These elements give you the best possible chance for helping the person. These are hard lines to draw, but they are often the most effective approach. Ask the God who calls us all to help you with the person you are confronting. Remember to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8). A quote from this book, "In fact, there is no such thing as a good relationship without confrontation". Remember that confrontation doesn't always go smoothly, and it may not even end "well" - if you define "well" as everyone singing "Kumbayah" and in a love feast. But even when it does not, confrontation can have great value as a start, or even as one of many in a series of conversations a person may receive over time. One day she may experience a breakthrough. And you will have been a part of that "chain of truth".
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