Maybe its just me, but I often feel like I am faced with having to have a difficult conversation with someone. Something on a topic I would rather not discuss, or an area I would rather ignore. Some way or another this topic or area begins to affect me or my family and I find it necessary to have that difficult conversation. The one the everyone dreads. For no matter how nice and kind you are about it, the subject itself brings out the worst reaction in someone. I am not confrontational by nature but the more healthy I become about setting personal boundaries, the more I realize how necessary these conversations are to a healthy relationship. The outcome is not always predictable, but if you do things in the right spirit and with the right heart you can be sure that you have done your best. You cannot be responsible for someones reactions. I decided to write about this topic because it is often easier said than done for me and writing these things out and sharing them helps remind me to practice what I preach!
I have an excellent book called "Boundaries Face To Face", and its a wonderful book about having those difficult conversations. I wanted to share with you some of the information and advice I learned in this book that I found helpful.
1. Take a presumed innocent approach. Do not assume this person is doing this particular thing on purpose at all. The other person may simply be unable to comprehend the problem. Perhaps he is afraid to see it or does not possess the tools to look at himself. In other cases he may simply not know the full extent of the severity of the issue- how it may be ruining his life as well as your relationship with him. Or he may not want to know something about himself because it would interfere with his concept of his own goodness and perfection. You may find that, knowing the truth, he still doesn't care enough to change. Even so, until you know this about him, love requires that you begin with this approach: "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" I Cor 13:6-7.
2. Be humble. Approach the person and the situation humbly. Humility is not about perceiving yourself as lower than you are. It has to do with perceiving yourself as you really are, with both weaknesses and strengths. (Rom 12:3) All us of have blind spots. This is why the Bible often teaches about our responsibility to speak truth to each other. We need the feedback of others to bring light to a situation. (Eph 4:25) So come to the person not as someone who has it all together, but as someone who has also failed and also needs grace and support.
3. Empathize. When you make someone aware of a problem, empathize with him. Empathy is the ability to identify with the feelings of another person. When you become aware of your own need for empathy and kindness, the dynamic between you and the other person changes: "I want you to be aware of ..... , because if I were in your position, I would want someone to tell me.I would hope someone would care enough about my situation to take a chance and approach me on that. That is how I feel about you. I'm on your side, and I know that hearing about this is not easy for you. Hang in there with me."
4. Find out how unaware is unaware. Understand how aware a person is about herself and her effect on others. Some people, for various reasons, have little self-awareness; they possess little ability to look at themselves and perceive what they are doing or why they are doing it. They often have not had many relational experiences in which they had to look at themselves. This type of person has usually suffered from her lack of awareness. She may have lost relational opportunities due to her inability to check and correct herself. You may need to sheperd a person like this into the world of awareness. She may not fully understand what you are telling her. Dont be impatient with her. Another type of person, however, may be acutely aware of himself and his faults and mistakes and may also be quite self-critical. At the same time, he may possess a blind spot. With an otherwise aware person, you probably do not need to say much for him to understand. Another type of person has an investment in not being aware of her behavior. She may be afraid to look at herself out of a concern that she is a very bad person; she may carry a sense of entitlement leading her to think she should not have to be aware of herself; or she may attribute what she does to people and other things, for example, blaming her tardiness on traffic instead of not leaving early enough to get to the destination on time. With this person you may need to not only attempt to make her aware of the problem, but also make her aware that she has difficulty being aware. If this is not brought into the open, you run the risk of finding yourself never able to get into the heart of that person.
5. Be direct. When you need to make someone aware of a problem, the best appraoch is always to be loving but direct. Remember that he is blind to this behavior, so he has no context for understanding it. The clearer you are, the better his chances of seeing what you are saying about him. That is how God is with us. It is certainly possible that you will cause the person you are confronting discomfort or pain. This is one of the effects of the truth: it makes us uncomfortable as it points out a problem. However, your directness can also give life to someone who needs it.
No comments:
Post a Comment