Sharing my Heart

On this Sabbath I am reflecting on everything I have learned over the past few months. I am grateful to YHVH for allowing circumstances in my life that caused me to really seek out truth. I had been taught that questioning was a form of rebellion and that belief kept me from seeking out answers to my many questions on my own - until now!

A little testimony about my life and how I got to this point in my journey:

My parents were born and raised Catholics. I was baptized in the Catholic church, but shortly thereafter my parents became "born again". Their neighbors witnessed to them and as a result my parents left the Catholic church, which they had felt was so spiritually empty for them. Their decision to leave the Catholic church was met with much opposition and even family members accused them of joining a cult (the Protestant church). It was a very difficult time for my parents, but they perservered. I always remember being in church Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night no matter what.

During my teen years we attended a church that was very pro-homeschooling. This was a huge blessing for us (so we thought) since my parents were homeschooling me and my siblings. It was at this church that I was introduced to the world of Christian hypocrisy at its finest. The pastor taught one thing from the pulpit but lived another way when no one was watching. The same for many families within this church as well. There were many "rules" of the church, but no relationships. I saw legalism at its finest. An attempt to emphasize the letter of the law over the spirit of the law. For instance, many dressed modest, no make up, only listened to conservative Christian music and courted instead of dated, etc. Yet these very same people gossiped, slandered and held unforgiveness and bitterness in their hearts. They were completely out of balance. Then my brother was diagnosed at the age of nine with leukemia while attending this church. Many things happened that were hurtful. One thing that stands out the most is when my mom tried to share our real needs during that difficult time and because she what she expressed did not match what they church wanted to do, she was labeled as having "gross ungratefulness". The pastor an his elder came to my parent's home while my brother was bed ridden to Matthew 18 (as they called it) my parents. There was even money given for us from another family during offering one Sunday and we never saw a penny of it (a friend of ours who was an usher that day shared that with us or we would have never known). Maybe we weren't allowed to receive financial help because we were being Matthew 18'd. Whatever the case may be were tired of the phony Christianity we saw there and so we left.

We went back to the church we had originally been going to. I continued at this church until I was married for a few years and could no longer handle the way they ran church like a buisness. It literally made my husband and I sick to our stomachs to set foot in the building. Sad, but truly how we felt. Then in 2009 my sister was sexually assaulted and one of the men who did it went to this church! My sister and my parents decided immediately to press charges and are met with opposition from the church. One of the assistant pastors calls my parents up and asks them to drop the case against this guy. Of course my family refused and my father was furious with the request. This church sadly was not interested in the truth, but only their reputation. To this day the pastors of this church have kept all of this a secret (as best they can).

By this time, my husband and I had been attending another church for quite awhile and were not feeling like we were getting fed at all. The people were nice but the sermons seemed more like milk than meat. We attempted to visit other churches and finally found one that at least seemed to preach some meat. We settled there for a little feeling kind of bad for moving our children from one place to another. But even there we were feeling restless. My husband and I talked about house church and what the church probably looked like in the days of the Apostles. We were pretty sure it looked nothing like the churches in America today. We started to search for house churches but could find nothing locally on the internet. We then began to think about starting our own church in our home. There was lots of thinking and praying going on at this time.

Then the unthinkable happened. Some "friends" from a previous church sent us an email saying that they could no longer be friends with us because we were not true Christians. Their reason for this accusation was one of the most hurtful things we had ever been told - it was because we were going through bankruptcy and foreclosure (my husband had lost a day a week at work for over a year, forcing us into some difficult situations and choices). They proceeded to say many hurtful things about how they pay their bills and take care of their family as opposed to us. The worst part was that one of these friends had just got back from a missions trip and was supposedly on fire for God! We were so hurt and devastated by this. In my human nature I reacted, spewing hurtful things right back, something I am not proud of and have apologized for since then. These people severed communication with us immediately and we have not been able to speak with them since then. When God finally got a hold of my heart about forgiving them I was ready to listen. I had been hurt by so many people who claimed to be Christians. I knew I wasn't suppose to look at people but at God. However, these people were really bearing "bad" fruit in my opinion. I began to think (as well as my husband) that if this is what Christianity was all about, I didn't want anything to do with it. At that time my husband and I decided we would no longer call ourselves Christians, but only Followers of the Messiah. I wanted to follow the Messiah in the Bible who said to love and to forgive and who said to be different than the world. This drove me into the Scriptures to figure out what a real follower of this Messiah should look like, act like and talk like. God really did a work in my heart and taught me what true forgiveness really looks like, feels like and acts like. I was given an amazing desire to forgive these Christians who hurt me and even felt like I should bless them with a gift. I obeyed YHVH's leading and I can truly say I have never felt more free in my life! It was a blessing to be able to bless them!

This new place that YHVH brought me to also brought me to a place of questioning what I had been taught in my many years in mainstream Christianity. I had always wondered why I had been taught that the Old Testament (OT) was done away with and no longer valid. However, these same people preached a 10% tithe that was suppose to be given to the church building you attend. If the OT was no longer valid, why did they choose to pull a tithe verse from it and make a whole doctrine out of it? Besides, the tithe of the OT was a tithe of food and agriculture to feel the Levitical Priests, the poor and the widows. There were many different tithes with a sum total of approx 30% and once again it was like a food pantry for the commonwealth of Israel. So why were preachers taking these verses out of context? And then why was I taught to obey all the ten commandments, but only the ten and none of the other OT commandments? And out of those ten commandments, I was taught to obey all of them except the fourth one, "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy". Why was I not taught to keep the Sabbath day holy? And then there was the question of Jesus' death. I was taught that He died and was buried on Friday and rose on Sunday. Matt 12:40 says that just as Jonah was in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights, so the Son of Man would be in the heart of the earth for three days and three nights. Friday to Sunday is most certainly not three nights! Either Jesus was a liar or someone else is. I do not believe my Messiah is a liar so I chose the latter. That led me to question what else have I been taught from the pulpit or from other Christians that was merely man made traditions or man made doctrines?

I knew right then and there I had to empty my mind of all bias, preconceived ideas and all that I merely believed in the past without testing against Scripture. I began to study the Bible with a Hebrew mind instead of a Greek one and I learned so much! Its amazing what you learn when you read the Scriptures through the Hebrew lenses that the authors intended us to read them with. I discovered my Messiah was Jewish. I discovered that YHVH was unchanging. I learned that if the NT contradicted the OT, the problem was with the translator, not the Bible. I learned that I was adopted into His Jewish family. I learned that I was to be a set apart person. That is I looked "regular", "popular" or like the "mainstream" - I wasn't really set apart at all. I learned that it is the narrow way that leads to life. I learned that my Messiah told me to pick up my cross and follow Him and He wasn't joking!

I have so much more to learn, but I am so excited to be on this new journey. I feel so close to my Abba! I am delighted to honor Him on the Sabbath and I look forward to celebrating His feasts this year! I delight in His laws! "Give me understanding, that I may keep your law (Torah) and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments (Torah), for I delight in it." Psalm 119:34-35 I learned that David was a man after YHVH's own heart and Psalm 119 in almost every verse expresses his love for YHVH's commands (Torah). Oh that I might be like David.

I am learning alot in this journey. I may start to look very different in what I do and how I act (as a matter of fact, I think I already do), but this is the narrow way for me. I have learned the OT commands (Torah) were written on stone tablets, but then in the NT they were written on our hearts. Therefore if I preach all love, love but no commands (Torah), I am out of balance. And if I preach all commands, law (Torah) but do it without love, humility, gentleness, self-control, etc - then I am out of balance as well. I do not wish to be the Pharisees who looked wonderful outside but were nothing but rotting corpses on the inside. Yet, I also do not want to compromise - disregarding the commandments (Torah) and becoming lukewarm. I am excited to see where this journey will take me.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. May I always be teachable, always loving, always forgiving and always humble. This is my prayer:
"With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments." Psalm 119:10

May YHVH guide each and every one of you closer to Him. May you be able to leave behind anything He asks you to and follow Him. And may peace be upon you always! Shalom Alechem!